Give me enough to bear tomorrow.

I keep telling myself this cannot be real. Things like this don’t happen, especially to people like you. I’m almost bitter. Bitter that you could leave all of us so early and so easily. We were barely starting out in life. We’re so young, all of us, and we’re still searching for answers. What ran through your mind? It scares me to ponder all the possibilities. I can’t find it in myself to believe anything right now. I don’t know what to feel, what to say, what to think about everything that has come so suddenly and without warning. I feel dazed and numb from the initial shock. Acceptance of reality seems unreachable to me. Granted, that’s the only choice you left us though. I need some time. Give me some time yeah? I’ll make sense of this someday. I have never felt so lost and confused in my whole life. I don’t know how to let someone go like this. It’s as if you took everyone’s strength with you. In time, we’ll regain it. It’s just temporarily unavailable, right? Honestly, you are utterly cruel. I wish I could be as sympathetic and understanding as others have been, but I’m reluctant to give in to that. I’m reluctant to give in to this whole thing. I don’t want any of this. What does it matter though? My say doesn’t change anything. I sound almost childish, but that’s exactly what I feel I am throughout this whole ordeal. A child. Would that explain why I can’t seem to act appropriately and face this with a maturity that matches everyone else?

I am doing everything in my ability to distract myself from reality. I’m not ready to register anything yet. I need some time. A lot of it. Maybe someday, I won’t be as confused as I am now.

This can’t be real.

Insane how people and company who I’ve once felt so at home with can feel so strange to me now. I don’t mean that they are completely foreign concepts altogether, I just think that it’s amazing what a little time apart can do. Sure, the warmth is still there, and the laughter finds ways to come through. But it’s different now. At times, we can pick up right where we left off. Laughing, fooling around, messing with each other like the mental storage room sustaining all our inside jokes could fit more in as it bulged precariously. Other times, there is a huge bridge over our attempted connection. Crossing it seems to take so much more effort than one can imagine, and that’s what saddens me. Of course I wish it weren’t this way, that I wouldn’t feel that tiny inch of tension creeping into our short pauses or spans of silences. I can’t ask for everything to stay the same forever, and given that, it is more than natural to begin seeing (be it positive or negative) developing and self discovering. I just hope that in the process of all this mental, emotional, and physical growth of not just myself, but everyone I know and care about, we don’t start to lose ourselves along the way.

Words flow in and out of ears
as faces swim in front of blinking eyes
conversations turn from one thing to another
to compensate for the lack of interest that leave us tongue-tied.
See, familiar company has never seemed more lonely
than when we turn away and gaze at the ground
in a unconscious attempt to drown out the voices
that once served as our most comforting sounds.
But believe me when I say,
(There was nothing in me that wanted for it to turn out this way)
Things change over time to accommodate everyone’s need for something new
and as everything unfolds, weaving through these patterns were just a way of bidding another adieu,
compelled us to set aside things we could or could not undo, just to flip the pages preparing for our next cue.

Hey 2012. So I basically just welcomed you by staying at home all day by myself. Somehow, this routine seems oddly familiar. The best part was watching the Once Upon A Time marathon on ABC7. Other than that, I don’t see how this day differs from any other one. But welcome anyways (: I do, however, look forward to everything you have to offer… or don’t, in today’s case.

I’m looking forward to all the unexpected adventures, the times spent with friends, the rare and precious feelings of accomplishment from school… haha, and all the little things in between. Honestly, I don’t even know. I don’t know what to expect, and I don’t really know what to look forward to (besides all the typical good stuff). I’ll just let everything unfold by itself and reevaluate again when the time comes. Hopefully, it doesn’t come as fast as it has this year, since I felt like this past year has practically flown by. I look forward to inching more and more towards my career goal. I look forward to meeting up with familiar faces over breaks and being able to pick up right where we left off. I look forward to hopefully attaining a job and being capable of purchasing things I want. I look forward to getting more things for free with my new best friends called coupons. I look forward to seeing my brother play during game season. I look forward to meeting new people. I look forward to learning of new things, and I look forward to acquiring more experience in various fields. I look forward to expanding my knowledge in all areas possible. I look forward to growing, and most of all, I look forward to moving forward.

“Did you ever take a look at your butt hole? I did, when I was like ten. I took a look in the mirror one time. It was kind of purple, kind of dark, … and brown. It wasn’t pretty.”

• Determination in school.
• Perseverance in school.
• Dedication to school.
• Endurance in school.
• Time here and there to spend with friends.
• Patience in as much as possible, if not everything.
• A job.
• Time management skills.
• The inspiration to keep writing.
• Quality time on the sides to pick up a few books and see them through.
• Family empathy.
• Learn how to drive. (If not, busing is fine to me.)
• Improvement on couponing skills! =)
• More pictures for documentation.
• Less trivial matters, and more treasured memories.